Tonight I posted a FB post about missing my mother. Doing so opened up a whole lot of thoughts for me about love and loss.
It isn't easy and it is often confusing. When you first lose someone dear, people hover around you and your reactions are "normal". It gets stranger as time passes. Facebook shared with me recently a blog post I made three years ago after Glenn died, about realizing that the world wants you to move on...and so I had found a safe therapist with whom to work through my grief. I knew at the time that after awhile, people don't want the truth when they ask, "How are you?"
What a journey it has been. My whole belief system and spirituality has grown exponentially. I am probably more of a believer than ever before, but in a much broader sense of the word. I also believe and know that the veil between the beyond and earth is very thin. I know now that "heaven" or whatever it is, is beyond my understanding as a person still on this earth. And it is much more limitless than we can imagine. I know now that it is bigger than what denomination or even what faith you practice.
But that isn't what I've thought about tonight.
My dad died in 2008. My MIL died in 2010, Glenn died suddenly in 2013 and my mom died 9 months later. Suddenly loss was my identity.
And expounding on my post tonight what I have learned is this.:
1.Life and health are not guaranteed. Be responsible but don't put off your bucket list.
2.You never really "get over it." We are survivors by nature...we go on without our loved ones, but the trauma of loss shapes you forevermore.
3. And there lies the paradox-you can mourn for lost loved ones and still be happy in the life you are leading while we are here. I am a perfect example of this. Jon and I have built a wonderful life out of the ashes we were left. Who would have imagined?
4. And on that note...life is for living. Our loved ones who left do not want us to be unhappy. Truly.
5. The veil is thin. I have so many examples.
6. The shock of loss really doesn't leave. When we drive to Brainerd and pass a Culver's that Glenn and my mom and I used to eat at on the way to see the kids, I often am amazed that they are both gone. Even now.
7. Again...the veil. In Europe we were discussing this one night and I asked whether Jon had ever had a sign from his late wife. He said no, that he still dreamed about her sad death and the events leading up to it, but no. The next day we were on a bus to Italy when a truck kept passing us. The name in huge letter on the side was "Duarte". That was her last name.
My thoughts tonight are that death shapes the living forever. And it hurts and it make us lonely and it makes us cry. But it also wakes us up to THIS life. The one that we have to make a difference in. The one that if we live it right, that our children or loved ones will be in the aisle at Lund's grocery store and cry because they miss you you so much. That is what living is about.